I mean EMBARRASSINGLY awful.
The kind of awful where you (meaning me) hide in your craft room's closet and cry hysterically for about twenty minutes.
Yup, that kind of week. At least, that's basically what I did today.
The bank keeps sending me a weird service charge and it overdrew from me, despite doing nothing out of the norm. Nothing has changed. I don't understand why this is happening, and I want to cry. I can't ask my parents for money (they gave me some today and it ALL went to gas and mom told me to 'make it last', so I can't go back and beg for more because I'm already enough of a shit daughter). I'm crying even while I write this because my depression has been so bad lately, I've actually been thinking about how much I'd like to be on medication (something I swore I'd NEVER do again) or go and be institutionalized. But I don't want to burden my family or miss school, because who would bring me notes or assignments? Would I be allowed to have classes while in an institution?
I'm trying to sell some of my artwork to make ends meet until my seasonal job starts, but no one wants it. So I mean, that's not exactly an ego booster. I can't GIVE it away, okay? One of my friends purchased a shirt from my store today but honestly I think she just did it out of pity.
Home life is hard right now too. I can barely use the internet, which is making it incredibly hard for me to ever update this blog. We only have enough for one person to use it at a time, and Eric's been getting into a new video game. I just want to go back to my parent's house so I can do my homework without having to wait for him to fall asleep (which could be at ANY time because, you know, insomnia). I want to hide in my room and be left alone.
I hate to be the kind of person that "self diagnoses" because that should just be left to those kids who take one psych class and suddenly they're doctors, but I think I'm developing agoraphobia. Over the last couple of weeks, the idea of leaving the house sends me into a panic attack and makes my stomach cramp up until I'm home. Whenever I have to leave to go to school, I cringe for hours and freak out and have to busy myself so I don't vomit. But I don't know what to do. What if I can't leave anymore?
This guy in my one class told me to just "get over it", and it made me think of all of the people who thinks that you can just "get over" this. You can't. I don't like wanting to vomit all of the time. I don't wake up and go "OH BOY I HOPE I CRY AND FREAK OUT TODAY!". I can't just get over this. I fucking hate when people say to "get over it". Even friends and family say it and it makes me want to rip out my own hair and throw it in the air. You can't just "get over" this kind of problem. I don't know what to do.
But hey, this entry turned into me venting, when it's really supposed to be about a book! I doubt you guys are interested in hearing about my personal meltdowns anyway.
The other day, Eric took me to Barnes & Noble, handed me money, and told me to get whatever books I wanted (as long as I didn't already own them). I had often told him that one of my dreams was to go to the bookstore, be given a hand basket, and told I could fill it with books and they'd all be mine. We obviously can't afford to do that right now, so I really appreciated this gesture.
One of the books I picked up was Stolen and I'm glad I got this.
Warning: Spoilers ahead.
While traveling with her parents around the world, teenager Gemma Toombs is bewitched by an enchanting man at the airport known simply as Ty. They get coffee together, and before she realizes what's going on, Gemma awakens in a strange house. Ty slipped her some drugs, and has taken her away to an Australian "paradise" hidden in the desert. Gemma learns more about her captor, and she leads us through her journey of existentialism and feelings. Is she in love? Is it Stockholm Syndrome? Who knows.
I LOVED this book. Although, considering my anxiety issues, reading this might not have been the wisest choice. The night I finished reading this was the night before I had to go to campus, and I was up into the wee hours of the morning having a silent panic attack and wave of nausea next to my undisturbed sleeping boyfriend. While this is a well-written and surprisingly believable story, I couldn't help but sympathize with Gemma and that caused me to, well, panic. A lot. Because being kidnapped is probably no one's idea of a picnic in the park.
In fact, I even sent a tweet to the author in which I wrote about how if I hadn't already been afraid to fly, this book scarred me for life.
Now, I'm one for letting kids read. I plan on giving my future kids a lot of "banned books" because I'm a bit mischievous like that. If there was a book fair and my kid needed me to sign a permission slip, I'd sign it any day. However, this is a book I might not consider giving to my kid. It's labeled as a young adult book, but as an adult, I was freaking out the entire time. So I can't imagine what a empathetic kid (like I had been and kind of continue to be) would do if he or she read this. It's a terrifying concept, being taken from your parents and hidden away in a strange place all by yourself with the constant fear of death on your shoulder. So, I dunno. This isn't what I'd call a stereotypical YA novel. I'd consider moving it to just plain "fiction" or something. Just because the book is ABOUT a kid doesn't mean it's necessarily FOR kids.
I wish I could read this again for the first time. It's so beautiful and frightening. I hope Hollywood never ruins it with a bad film that romanticizes Ty (considering, you know, Stockholm Syndrome and he honestly isn't really a terribly good person) and I'd love to read more of this author's work.
If you have a book recommendation, send it my way! I'd love to know what you guys have been reading. After this I plan on reading through some more books to make some more room in the house (I have far too many books for my own good), so be sure to keep an eye out for another book review!
Sorry again for the little fit I threw earlier in this entry. I'm basically just a mess right now and it's shocking that I can even remember to get out of bed in the morning, let alone write a coherent blog entry.
Hope you little lovelies are having a better week than I have, and don't be afraid to send me some emails with comments or questions!
xo, Kate
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